In my life there are so many interesting things that happen, but the day I shall never forget was the day me and my family had a get together. On that day me and my family had a lot of fun .
When all of us woke up we had our morning devotion and when we were done we did our morning chores and when we were done we had our bath and ate our breakfast. When we were done my aunt started playing music and told all of use to dance as soon as we were done my aunt told all of us to were our swimming suits and told use to go to the pool part of her house and we swam till 7:00 pm and when we were done we had a very big celebration.
Every one ate and drank till our satisfaction and we slept very late because of the enjoyment.
That is the day I shall never forget.
It’s a beautiful story, Fumilola.
You can make your story a tad more interesting, engaging and clear by putting all of the following into consideration:
1. Content: Your content lacks depth because you seem not to be intentional in letting your reader understand why this particular day is so important.
You should go some steps further in making your readers understand the significance of the events you narrated.
You’ve got some wrong constructions. Constructions like “all of us” should be replaced with “we” and “me and my family” with “my family and I”.
Also, the repetitive use of the phrase, “and then we”, simply takes the life out of your essay.
The English Language is very rich; there are a thousand and one way to send home your point without over using a particular phrase.
3. Organization: You must work on your organization, dear.
Make certain that each idea occupies a paragraph. Do not jumble all of your thoughts or ideas in one paragraph.
I believe if you take these corrections seriously, you would become a really good writer in no time.
Do take good care of yourself.
Thanks ma, I will try again
There are actually a lot of awesome days that I can never forget, but I will just mention one.
It all began on a Saturday morning, usually, in my house Saturday is a day for school work, chores and a couple of boring stuffs. So I laid down in bed sulking over the boring stuffs I had to do that day, all of a sudden my mum rushed into my room and said with excitement in the tone of her voice,” Tobi, pack your bags we are going out and we wouldn’t be back until next week”, immediately she said this, she rushed out of my room leaving me in total confusion.
Anyways, I did the necessary stuffs I had to do, packed my bags and headed downstairs to the living room together with my brother, when we got downstairs I immediately asked my mum what was going on, instead she just gave us our breakfast telling us to be quick.
After a couple of minutes, we drove down to an unfamiliar road to the most beautiful building I had ever seen. It turned out that my mum had planned a family vacation inviting all our relatives and friends.Well I didn’t know my parents were stinky rich, that is a very memorable moment that I believe strongly that it will forever be in my heart.
Wow that amazing
you did not have to add the”stinky rich” part in your essay it was so unnecessary
Ummm…with all due respect what rights do you have to criticise my essay?